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weetuskenraiderShe was used to being pulled in two directions at once; she'd had to make the choice between her Jedi training and her life with her Tusken tribe seven years ago, she'd lived with Riina Kwaad's growing consciousness for months now, and she still had trouble with the whole concept of "moving on doesn't mean betraying Anakin." So -- used to it. That didn't mean she had to like the feeling. Which was why when Jacen came looking for her after dinner, Tahiri wasn't sure what to think.
It had somehow become a routine that after the day's training exercises all the Jedi pilots, a category she was starting to get used to putting herself in would get together for dinner and discuss how the Force-meld strategy was working.
"You're doing well?" he asked. He was always asking her that these days, though he was usually on the Ralroost's bridge while Tahiri was training with her pilots and conversations didn't tend to last more than a couple of sentences. She did appreciate the concern, but . . .
Don't judge him too harshly yet, Jaina in Fandom had advised her at the campfire one night that felt like forever ago.
If Jacen turns out to only be mostly dead in your universe, too? Don't listen to him, Ben had said even longer ago.
Tahiri wasn't used to that kind of conflict coming from voices that weren't hers and Riina's. "I'm working hard," was what she said -- the truth, but a bit of a deflection as well. She had to have picked that up from Ben, so thanks by proxy, Ender.
"I wonder if I might ask you a question." If Jacen noticed her evasiveness, he didn't comment on it. Also, it didn't work. Stang.
Just a question. "Of course," Tahiri replied.
"I wonder if," Jacen continued a bit awkwardly, "since you came back from capture -- whether you've ever felt the ability to, ah, sense the Yuuzhan Vong."
"No." Was this going where Tahiri thought it was? "Why do you ask?"
He filled her in, in detail, about his own capture; when Tahiri heard him talk about all the time he'd spent in the Embrace of Pain, she wanted to yell at him for how another version of him would go on to do the same thing to Ben. Tahiri wasn't like Jaina; she couldn't neatly compartmentalize all these things and keep them separate from each other in her mind the same way. Jacen told her about the Yuuzhan Vong slave seed that'd been implanted in him and how he'd been able to make a telepathic connection with them ever since.
"No. I've never experienced that, and I'm glad." The vehemence in her answer wasn't just from the horror at the details of Jacen's captivity, although that was there and just as genuine. "That must be awful."
"It's all right. It's helped me understand them. And it can be useful in detecting the enemy, and in controlling their bioweapons." He fixed her with an intent look, then hesitated. "The truth is, I was wondering if it might be possible to teach the Vongsense to someone else."
Tahiri couldn't stop herself from taking a step back. She'd been tortured by the Yuuzhan Vong just like him. That was the common thread between them that no other surviving Jedi shared: they'd both been put through hell by the enemy long enough that they knew the Yuuzhan Vong in a way no one else did. In some future he'd turn to the Dark Side, become a Sith Lord -- and though Ben had never said so explicitly Tahiri knew from what he had said that she'd be his apprentice. That was how it worked.
Why else would Ben have asked her not to listen to Jacen? Was this where it all started? But then again, after Anakin had rebuilt his lightsaber with a living Yuuzhan Vong lambent crystal, he'd been able to sense them too . . .
"And you want to see," she said, her voice very quiet, "if I can contact the Yuuzhan Vong through the Force."
"No, not through the Force," Jacen replied. "It's a different sort of bond."
Not like what Anakin had done. Through their implants, then: Jacen's slave seed, and everything the shapers had done to Tahiri.
What Karla had said about not being able to get rid of Riina came to mind again, sparking resentment, and Tahiri's face twisted in anger. "You know I hate them," she blurted out. "I know I'm a Jedi and I'm not supposed to hate anyone, but I can't help it. Not after what they've done." Kriffing hells, should she even be saying this to him?
"I understand." Jacen nodded. "I don't want to put you through anything that will make you uncomfortable, or that will bring back bad memories."
It wasn't bad memories she was worried about. "I'm sorry, Jacen," she said, and meant it in several ways. When she turned to leave he didn't try to stop her.
Don't judge him too harshly. Jaina's voice again.
Then Ben's: Don't listen to him.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm being pulled in two directions at once, said a third voice, her own. When she was nine years old she'd had to choose between the life of a Tusken Raider and the life of a Jedi; when she was fourteen she'd had to decide to keep being Tahiri rather than accept that she was Riina.
Right now she had to choose whether she could do something that might help end this war with less lives lost, or just walk away.
The Sith they'd fought in the woods near Jolee's hut had invited her to embrace her fear, and fear was why she was walking away. Fear led to anger, anger led to the Dark Side . . .
Tahiri was a Jedi. She didn't have a choice.
She stopped and turned back. "Is it important?"
"I can't say," Jacen told her. "But it will help you understand the Yuuzhan Vong. And perhaps when you understand them you won't hate them so much."
"I want to hate them," she said matter-of-factly: not defiant, just honest.
"It takes a lot of energy to hate. You might have other uses for that energy."
The thing was, he was right, and for a moment Tahiri wondered again how in any world he could have ended up the man Ben had known. "All right," she finally said, taking a deep breath. "I'll give it a try."
It didn't work, in the end. She wasn't sure if it was because they were so far from a Yuuzhan Vong fleet, or if Riina was resisting somehow, or if she really was just that wary of his intentions. She was glad it hadn't worked and told Jacen as much, but agreed to try again.
If she hadn't known what she did, she might not have thought to be suspicious. Jacen had a private cabin on the Ralroost, while Tahiri lived in the pilots' quarters -- which would have been more annoying if not for the cabin sessions back in Fandom, for all that she'd practically lived on the beach with Ben the most recent time. She'd never been all that fond of the communal Tusken lifestyle, either.
But every time they arranged to meet, it was always somewhere weird: an unused storage room on the far side of the ship, behind one of the missile magazines, one of the meditation cabins, on a different ship entirely. It was creepily like sneaking around with someone you weren't supposed to be dating, and if Tahiri hadn't had more serious concerns on her mind she'd have been grossed out.
Tahiri didn't, though, think to connect his behavior to the order that had come down from Master Skywalker: if Vergere, who had captured and tortured Jacen, was sighted by any of the Jedi, it was their top priority to apprehend her and turn her in. Still, it was definitely suspicious, and whatever Jacen was hiding, she couldn't sense it. (It wasn't as if he'd mentioned to her that Vergere knew how to hide herself in the Force, and Tahiri had never thought to ask Ben where Jacen had learned that from in the first place.) She did her best to try and learn the "Vongsense" technique, recognizing its potential usefulness, but she still didn't have any luck.
This was the sort of thing that, under other circumstances, could have worried her right into a constant state of fear that the Sith they'd fought back in Fandom would have loved to take advantage of, but Tahiri had her squadron to look after and too many other things to do. Looking back on that later, she'd be glad.
[OOC: NFI, NFB, OOC-okay, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his acronyms are my acronyms too. Adapted, again, from Destiny's Way by Walter Jon Williams. Hey, I didn't have to make up this part either!]
It had somehow become a routine that after the day's training exercises all the Jedi pilots, a category she was starting to get used to putting herself in would get together for dinner and discuss how the Force-meld strategy was working.
"You're doing well?" he asked. He was always asking her that these days, though he was usually on the Ralroost's bridge while Tahiri was training with her pilots and conversations didn't tend to last more than a couple of sentences. She did appreciate the concern, but . . .
Don't judge him too harshly yet, Jaina in Fandom had advised her at the campfire one night that felt like forever ago.
If Jacen turns out to only be mostly dead in your universe, too? Don't listen to him, Ben had said even longer ago.
Tahiri wasn't used to that kind of conflict coming from voices that weren't hers and Riina's. "I'm working hard," was what she said -- the truth, but a bit of a deflection as well. She had to have picked that up from Ben, so thanks by proxy, Ender.
"I wonder if I might ask you a question." If Jacen noticed her evasiveness, he didn't comment on it. Also, it didn't work. Stang.
Just a question. "Of course," Tahiri replied.
"I wonder if," Jacen continued a bit awkwardly, "since you came back from capture -- whether you've ever felt the ability to, ah, sense the Yuuzhan Vong."
"No." Was this going where Tahiri thought it was? "Why do you ask?"
He filled her in, in detail, about his own capture; when Tahiri heard him talk about all the time he'd spent in the Embrace of Pain, she wanted to yell at him for how another version of him would go on to do the same thing to Ben. Tahiri wasn't like Jaina; she couldn't neatly compartmentalize all these things and keep them separate from each other in her mind the same way. Jacen told her about the Yuuzhan Vong slave seed that'd been implanted in him and how he'd been able to make a telepathic connection with them ever since.
"No. I've never experienced that, and I'm glad." The vehemence in her answer wasn't just from the horror at the details of Jacen's captivity, although that was there and just as genuine. "That must be awful."
"It's all right. It's helped me understand them. And it can be useful in detecting the enemy, and in controlling their bioweapons." He fixed her with an intent look, then hesitated. "The truth is, I was wondering if it might be possible to teach the Vongsense to someone else."
Tahiri couldn't stop herself from taking a step back. She'd been tortured by the Yuuzhan Vong just like him. That was the common thread between them that no other surviving Jedi shared: they'd both been put through hell by the enemy long enough that they knew the Yuuzhan Vong in a way no one else did. In some future he'd turn to the Dark Side, become a Sith Lord -- and though Ben had never said so explicitly Tahiri knew from what he had said that she'd be his apprentice. That was how it worked.
Why else would Ben have asked her not to listen to Jacen? Was this where it all started? But then again, after Anakin had rebuilt his lightsaber with a living Yuuzhan Vong lambent crystal, he'd been able to sense them too . . .
"And you want to see," she said, her voice very quiet, "if I can contact the Yuuzhan Vong through the Force."
"No, not through the Force," Jacen replied. "It's a different sort of bond."
Not like what Anakin had done. Through their implants, then: Jacen's slave seed, and everything the shapers had done to Tahiri.
What Karla had said about not being able to get rid of Riina came to mind again, sparking resentment, and Tahiri's face twisted in anger. "You know I hate them," she blurted out. "I know I'm a Jedi and I'm not supposed to hate anyone, but I can't help it. Not after what they've done." Kriffing hells, should she even be saying this to him?
"I understand." Jacen nodded. "I don't want to put you through anything that will make you uncomfortable, or that will bring back bad memories."
It wasn't bad memories she was worried about. "I'm sorry, Jacen," she said, and meant it in several ways. When she turned to leave he didn't try to stop her.
Don't judge him too harshly. Jaina's voice again.
Then Ben's: Don't listen to him.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm being pulled in two directions at once, said a third voice, her own. When she was nine years old she'd had to choose between the life of a Tusken Raider and the life of a Jedi; when she was fourteen she'd had to decide to keep being Tahiri rather than accept that she was Riina.
Right now she had to choose whether she could do something that might help end this war with less lives lost, or just walk away.
The Sith they'd fought in the woods near Jolee's hut had invited her to embrace her fear, and fear was why she was walking away. Fear led to anger, anger led to the Dark Side . . .
Tahiri was a Jedi. She didn't have a choice.
She stopped and turned back. "Is it important?"
"I can't say," Jacen told her. "But it will help you understand the Yuuzhan Vong. And perhaps when you understand them you won't hate them so much."
"I want to hate them," she said matter-of-factly: not defiant, just honest.
"It takes a lot of energy to hate. You might have other uses for that energy."
The thing was, he was right, and for a moment Tahiri wondered again how in any world he could have ended up the man Ben had known. "All right," she finally said, taking a deep breath. "I'll give it a try."
***
It didn't work, in the end. She wasn't sure if it was because they were so far from a Yuuzhan Vong fleet, or if Riina was resisting somehow, or if she really was just that wary of his intentions. She was glad it hadn't worked and told Jacen as much, but agreed to try again.
If she hadn't known what she did, she might not have thought to be suspicious. Jacen had a private cabin on the Ralroost, while Tahiri lived in the pilots' quarters -- which would have been more annoying if not for the cabin sessions back in Fandom, for all that she'd practically lived on the beach with Ben the most recent time. She'd never been all that fond of the communal Tusken lifestyle, either.
But every time they arranged to meet, it was always somewhere weird: an unused storage room on the far side of the ship, behind one of the missile magazines, one of the meditation cabins, on a different ship entirely. It was creepily like sneaking around with someone you weren't supposed to be dating, and if Tahiri hadn't had more serious concerns on her mind she'd have been grossed out.
Tahiri didn't, though, think to connect his behavior to the order that had come down from Master Skywalker: if Vergere, who had captured and tortured Jacen, was sighted by any of the Jedi, it was their top priority to apprehend her and turn her in. Still, it was definitely suspicious, and whatever Jacen was hiding, she couldn't sense it. (It wasn't as if he'd mentioned to her that Vergere knew how to hide herself in the Force, and Tahiri had never thought to ask Ben where Jacen had learned that from in the first place.) She did her best to try and learn the "Vongsense" technique, recognizing its potential usefulness, but she still didn't have any luck.
This was the sort of thing that, under other circumstances, could have worried her right into a constant state of fear that the Sith they'd fought back in Fandom would have loved to take advantage of, but Tahiri had her squadron to look after and too many other things to do. Looking back on that later, she'd be glad.
[OOC: NFI, NFB, OOC-okay, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his acronyms are my acronyms too. Adapted, again, from Destiny's Way by Walter Jon Williams. Hey, I didn't have to make up this part either!]
