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weetuskenraider

Tahiri was all too aware of her time in Fandom coming to an end; she was trying to be stoic about it in that all things do, and I should know that by now sort of resigned way. Mostly she was succeeding at it, even though it was an outlook that didn't quite fit right, like she still had to grow into it.

She wondered about that every now and then, when the reports she was reading through on her datapad got a little too dry for her preference; mostly, though, she was trying to focus on the reports and think about what was ahead for her . . . and worry a little bit about how Ben was doing.

It would almost have been nicer if she had enough material possessions to her name to worry about how she'd pack everything, and wonder where it had all come from over the past three years. That not being the case, she just curled up on her bed with her stuffed bantha and her datapad and kept reading.

[OOC: Expecting someone, but door and post are open with patches of SP until later. JFC what is all this actual playing I have been doing lately.]

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From:

trigons_child

Passing by Tahiri's door, Raven paused, sensing her presence behind it. She'd been meaning to talk to Tahiri for some time but hadn't found the time to seek her out. Or perhaps unconsciously hadn't made the time, since she was apprehensive about what she might learn.

But she knew her friend would be leaving the island soon, and she didn't have much time left if she wanted her questions answered. She knocked on the door. "Tahiri?" she called. "Are you busy?"

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri had sensed Raven's presence approaching as well, go figure, and she set aside the datapad with a little smile, glad for the distraction.

"Nothing that can't wait a bit, Raven," she called, waving a hand to nudge the door a few inches further ajar. "Come on in."

From:

trigons_child

Raven slipped inside and shut the door behind her. She had a feeling they didn't want anyone inadvertently eavesdropping on them.

But she didn't want to just dive into things, so she gave Tahiri a warm smile. "How have you been?" she said. "It has been some time since we have spoken."

From:

weetuskenraider

"You've been busy lately," Tahiri agreed, then gestured at her datapad. "And so have I, in a different ~~otherwise known as RP-failtastic~~ way."

She frowned for a moment. "I'm glad you stopped by, though. Opportunities for that will be few and far between awfully soon."

From:

trigons_child

Raven's smile faded a little. "You will be leaving the island soon," she said, nodding. "I have been dreading the end of summer."

Jono and Kennedy had left early, but now the rest would be going, and she would miss them all.

From:

weetuskenraider

"So have I," Tahiri answered, scooting further up toward one end of the bed to make room for Raven to sit, and carefully extending a gentle Force presence of comfort if she chose to accept it. "It's not a fun thing to think about, but I'd rather acknowledge it than pretend otherwise. Things are . . ."

One corner of her mouth curled up slightly. "Much more painful if you ignore those chances."

She took a breath. "I've been more philosophical lately than I like to be, so let's not make this a dull visit by going on about that. How have you been?"

She had a vague suspicion that Raven wanted to talk about something, but she'd let the other girl bring that up first.

From:

trigons_child

Raven took the invitation, sitting on the edge of the bed to kick off her shoes before drawing her legs up and sitting cross-legged facing Tahiri. "I was just visiting Jono," she said, a hint of her smile returning. "And I am glad the recent infection that struck the island seems to have been banished. The summer has been pleasant enough."

She hesitated a moment; she didn't have to ask, she could go on being blissfully ignorant and pretend she didn't know as much as she already knew, but she couldn't. "I have a question to ask you," she said. "But it is not a pleasant one."

From:

weetuskenraider

"The really important questions seldom are," Tahiri answered matter-of-factly. She leaned back against the wall, idly stroking the stuffed bantha's fur; honestly, not being all that good at conversational subtleties, she was glad to get to the point. "So don't let that stop you -- ask away."

From:

trigons_child

"Professor Skywalker has told me things about himself that I am finding very difficult to believe," she said, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. She didn't think he'd lie to her, but he had to be exaggerating. Had to be.

She looked at Tahiri, wanting to capture her reaction. "Please, what can you tell me about Darth Vader?"

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri glanced at her warily, trying to gauge what exactly she meant by that.

"I never met Darth Vader," she began carefully, watching Raven the whole time. "Though he was . . . very personally relevant to the people closest to me. So just bear in mind that whatever I can tell you is secondhand, and from their point of view."

. . . interesting, if unintentional, that she'd chosen that particular phrase, given the subject matter. (Yes, Luke had told that part of the story a billion times over.)

She kept her gaze focused on Raven, looking for a sign that the subtext of her words had been understood (and wondering if she'd made it clear enough). "Would that be all right with you?"

From:

trigons_child

Raven's brow furrowed in confusion as she took that in. She'd never met him, but if he was Anakin, that wasn't exactly true. On the other hand, he was very personally relevant to Ben, and since, as he told her, that his body was not his original one, then technically he wasn't Vader anymore, right?

But this wasn't her original body anymore either, and she was still Raven.

She nodded. "I think I understand," she said. "That is all right."

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri took the confusion as a sign of confirmation, then; that statement would have seemed simple enough to anyone who didn't know about that part of Master Skywalker's past.

"I thought you might," she said with a reassuring smile. "And I hope you understand I had to be sure first. It's a well enough known story to any of us who ever studied under Luke, but here it's different."

She absently curled a few strands of the bantha's fur around her finger. "Master Luke always told us about him in a lot of detail. It was a cautionary story about falling to the Dark Side . . . but it was a reminder that there was always a way back, too. Redemption is a big thing with the Skywalkers." Her smile turned wistful. "I've told you about Ben's cousin Anakin? There are reasons Leia chose to name him after his grandfather."

From:

trigons_child

"Despite what he had done in the past, she still cared for him enough to give his name to her child?" Raven said, thinking that over. So whatever he'd done couldn't have been that bad.

But that was just her wishful thinking.

"After I returned -- after my father claimed me and I died, he told me he had done terrible things in the past," she said, offering Tahiri an explanation about how she knew these things now. "I had hoped he was exaggerating to make me feel better about what I had done. He told me I could ask someone from his world about Darth Vader because I would not believe he could be evil."

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri reached for her datapad and accessed some of the historical files on Darth Vader, then held the datapad out for Raven to look over.

"No . . . he wasn't exaggerating," she said as gently as she could. "Everyone had a hard time understanding why Leia would choose to name her son after the man who had tortured her for information on the Rebellion, and made her watch as he destroyed her entire planet in a moment. Anakin -- my Anakin, that is -- carried the weight of that name his whole life. He had nightmares, constantly, about becoming another Darth Vader."

She indicated the datapad. "There's information about the Great Jedi Purge on there. The fact that the Jedi Order exists again at all is entirely because of Luke -- Vader personally hunted down and killed most of the Jedi of the old Order." That might have been a bit of an exaggeration, but Tahiri understood why Raven was asking, and felt like it was important that she really grasp the scope of Vader's history. "He did a lot of horrible things. So many that I've been to planets where beings still say that name and I can feel the fear rolling off them. I know it's hard to understand, but you need to."

From:

trigons_child

Raven's hands had a barely noticeable tremor as she took the datapad and began to read over the information on the screen. Anakin had told her of some of the things he'd claimed to have done, but seeing it written there made it all the more real. "Even children?" she whispered.

She let the datapad fall from her fingers to the bed, shaking her head. "I have known Professor Skywalker for over two years. He is my teacher. He has shown me so much kindness and guidance and wisdom. I have never sensed within him the capability to do...this." She flailed a hand at the datapad. Anger at times, yes, but never such true evil.

Except for when she'd forced her powers upon him in New York to try to use his deepest fears to twist him to evil. His was the only nightmare she couldn't remember, just nebulous feelings of darkness and evil.

From:

weetuskenraider

She'd been expecting that reaction, really.

Tahiri tried to meet her eyes and kept her voice even. "Let me ask you this. Do you see me as the type of being who would stab someone in the back and laugh as they died?"

From:

trigons_child

"No!" Raven said quickly. Too quickly. For a fleeting instant she saw another Tahiri, the one in the vampire-ruled Fandom, who had attacked her and tried to incite her to use her powers to hurt.

"Not you," she said more carefully. "But the Tahiri who was a vampire in the other Fandom. She would."

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri's jaw tightened, but she shook her head. "I have no doubt she would, but the important thing is that I did, Raven."

From:

trigons_child

Raven was beginning to wish she had gone the blissful ignorance route.

"Why?" she managed to say.

From:

weetuskenraider

"She was torturing Anakin in front of me, and she had tortured me for a long time." Tahiri was doing her best to keep her voice quiet and level, but there was enough cold Yuuzhan Vong pragmatism in her that she didn't feel bad about pressing the point. "I had plenty of reasons to be angry at her, and not enough reasons to hold back. It's a danger for all of us, Raven. Anyone who allows themself to feel can fall that way."

From:

trigons_child

That, actually, Raven could empathize with. If someone tortured Jono in front of her, she didn't think she could control her demon side from lashing out at the one responsible. And she'd enjoy it.

"When I am angry or afraid, it is difficult to resist the urge to hurt the one responsible," she said softly. "When it is someone I care for being harmed, it is almost impossible. That is why Azar never wished me to learn emotions." But she couldn't imagine living without love now.

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri nodded. "I suspect that has a lot to do with why the old Jedi Order was forbidden to form attachments. Master Luke disagrees, though, and . . ."

She smiled. "You can argue that emotions are what pulled us all back from the brink, too. It's a risk, but Master Luke would argue that it's a worthwhile one, and so would I."

From:

trigons_child

"When I was still new to emotions, when I knew affection but not love, I could not be pulled back from that brink," Raven said with a shudder at the memory. "It was all just rage and fear and I would not even listen to Professor Skywalker and he was forced to kill me. But when I was losing control when I fought the sorceress Ultimecia earlier this year, it was love that brought me back." Jono's love, and hers for him. She still didn't know why she'd thrown up after he first said it to her, though.

"Anger and fear are very powerful," she said. "Professor Skywalker has often told me they lead to the Dark Side."

From:

weetuskenraider

"But isn't fear of falling to the Dark Side still fear?" Tahiri pointed out. "You remember what I was like for a long time, don't you? Before you and Ben and Jaina and Karla helped me reconcile my different sides? I came just as close to succumbing then as I did back on Yavin with Mezhan Kwaad."

From:

trigons_child

"It is," Raven agreed. The fear could make the fear come true, which was a fun dilemma.

"But you prevailed," she said. "And while I have seen Professor Skywalker angry, I have never seen him succumb to his rage. Or fear."

From:

weetuskenraider

"No," Tahiri agreed. "I suspect he knows all too well what would happen if he did by now. All sentient beings have emotions, and it seems to me that it's just dumb to try and pretend otherwise. And the thing is -- I prevailed because I had people around who loved me and would never, ever give up on me. Like Master Skywalker did in the end, because Luke refused to give up on him."

She put a touch of Force emphasis behind her next words. "Just like you do."

From:

trigons_child

"He told me what Luke did," Raven said. She twisted her hands in her lap, still unable to reconcile the man she knew with what he had been. "He told me how he had been grievously injured and forced to wear a suit to keep him alive. He said -- he said he destroyed a world. But he has been so good to me. I do not want to believe he could do such a thing."

From:

weetuskenraider

"Nobody wants to believe it," Tahiri answered. "I still, sometimes, have a hard time reconciling the Master Skywalker I know here with the Sith Lord I heard so much about growing up. But we're all equally capable of good and evil, I think."

Slowly, she reached up to brush her hair back from her forehead, her fingertips running over the scars there. "What matters most is the influences you keep around you."

From:

trigons_child

"He is one of my greatest influences," Raven said. She wiped her fingers across her eyes, feeling tears building there but wanting to hold them back. "I trust him with my life. With my soul. And Jono. And Karla. And Sookie and Bobby and Tara...."

There were so many other names she could list. "And you," she said.

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri wasn't petty enough to note a certain classmate of hers getting left off that list. (She could have, but she didn't. ~~Mostly her player labors under delusions of hilarity.~~)

"That's a lot of people, even if you haven't named them all," she noted. "And especially since we have an idea of what you're like when you . . . get cranky, I don't doubt some of us will be happy to throw cold water in your face when we need to. Metaphorically, of course."

From:

trigons_child

~~Bite me, wench, I didn't want to ramble.~~

"And not so metaphorically," Raven murmured, thinking of New York. Azar had forced them then, but would they have been able to kill her on their own? She hoped so, for the sake of the innocents she'd harmed.

"It is a constant battle, but hopefully I will never fall that far again," she said. "My father is gone, but his influence remains on my soul. I am still half-demon, I cannot change that.'

From:

weetuskenraider

~~I was gonna work it in eventually anyway. Not dirty.~~

"And not so metaphorically," Tahiri agreed, tilting her head slightly in agreement.

She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "No more than I can change what I am, right?"

From:

trigons_child

"But you did," Raven pointed out. "You are not longer as divided and distressed as you once were."

She wasn't sure she could pull something like that off for her case, however.

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri held up a finger for emphasis. "But everything that makes me who I am -- no matter how each of those upbringings believed that the other was evil -- is still there. I haven't gotten rid of any of that. I've just learned . . . am still learning, actually . . . to accept that all of that is who I am."

She leaned forward and, again, emphasized the words with a touch of the Force.

"Who I am doesn't lock down for eternity who I choose to be, and I don't believe it should do the same for you, either."

From:

trigons_child

"I admire you for your ability to do so," Raven said. "Perhaps one day I will be able to do the same. I will keep you in my mind as an example to follow." And Anakin as well, if he had come back from such evil.

She smoothed her skirt over her legs, still trying to sort through her feelings. "Do you think my demon blood is like the Dark Side in a way?"

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri chewed on her lower lip. "I guess you can say that, at least in concept," she agreed, carefully; they were treading further into philosophical territory than she felt qualified to talk about. "Or . . . I don't know. No, you know, I'm not sure I can say it is, not any more than my memories of growing up alongside my Yuuzhan Vong crechemates make me an enemy of my own galaxy, or being raised by the Sand People means I hate and fear humans."

She picked up a holocube from her nightstand and turned it over in her hands. "Technology is believed to be an abomination by my Yuuzhan Vong people. That belief is so deep-seated it's instinct -- there are times that all I have to do is look at the flight simulator, or something so simple as a light switch, and my skin starts to crawl. But it's not true, no more than it's true that the Tuskens and humans of Tatooine must be at war. It's something we were taught from childhood. A lesson. A habit, if you will . . . a bad one. But bad habits can be broken and replaced with good ones. You were born of demon parentage, it's true, but you weren't raised among them, Raven, and nothing I know of you after all this time tells me that your heart truly belongs among them."

From:

trigons_child

"I was born to a demon father and wed to a vampire who would control demons in his name, but I wish no part of either of them," Raven said. They'd gotten a little off track from her original reason for seeking Tahiri out, but she didn't mind.

"But my gifts come from my father's blood," she said. "I choose to use them for good, for healing, not for destruction." She gave Tahiri a small smile. "Though sometimes my idea of good may not necessarily be what the other person wants."

Pushy empath, thy name was Raven. As Tahiri well knew.

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri never could have friends with nice simple families, could she? Oh, well. She was used to it.

"But that's why you try so hard, isn't it?" she asked, her expression a little apologetic, because yes -- she knew that very well. "To prove you can use them for good instead of evil? But who are you trying to prove it to?"

From:

trigons_child

"Myself," Raven said with a tiny shrug. "My father and all who serve him. Even those of Azarath who doubted me and were certain I would fall to evil. One man even broke all of the vows of Azarath and tried to kill me the day I was born for fear of what I would become."

From:

weetuskenraider

Tahiri sighed -- not at Raven, but out of annoyance at people saying those things.

"Before Anakin was born, when Leia was still pregnant with him, a clone of Emperor Palpatine -- that's the Sith Lord who was Vader's Master -- touched her belly. A lot of people including her worried about what that might mean for him. That's on top of worrying about if his name would prove to be an omen of what he would be. I told you he had nightmares about it?"

She paused for a moment, just long enough to breathe, then resumed in her usual rapid-flowing speech.

"Finally, Master Skywalker agreed to let the two of us and our Master, Ikrit, go to Dagobah and enter the cave where Master Yoda had tested him during his training, so Anakin could try and get a glimpse of the person he really was. I went into the cave, too, and saw a vision of my grandfather being shot down by stormtroopers, and that's how I found out he was a Jedi, too. Anakin went into the cave and found himself confronting his grandfather. It sounds simple enough, but it shook us both pretty badly. I remember we sat around our little campfire for hours afterward and didn't talk. Me, at eleven, not talking. But I can't forget what Master Ikrit told us afterward." A wistful smile crossed her face at the thought of her first, late Master. "'We each hold the shadow of darkness, and the flame of light. You will become what you become because of your choices; because of what you do.'"

"Anakin never did get an answer one way or the other on Dagobah," she continued, "but he told me that afterward, he was fine with not knowing as long as he could trust the Force and his own choices. But it goes the other way too, Raven. I never really thought about it that much until recently, but I don't know if he would have driven himself so hard on that last mission if he hadn't been trying so hard to prove himself. Losing him was a huge blow to the Order, and losing you again would be a huge blow to us."

From:

trigons_child

Raven was quite for a moment, unfolding her legs to stretch them over the side of the bed. "I have learned to my sorrow that my gifts are not as vast as I once thought," she admitted, though speaking the words stung her Pride. "I once thought there was nothing I could not heal, save death, but Fandom has proven me wrong. I know I must accept that, but I cannot stop trying as hard as I can to heal those who are suffering. Perhaps I am trying too hard to prove that I am not evil, but I cannot ignore someone who is in pain."

Especially if that person was a friend; then it was simply impossible.

From:

weetuskenraider

"Not any more than Anakin could have held himself back from doing what he believed was the right thing," Tahiri answered, aware after the words were out of her mouth that she could have easily been talking about Anakin Skywalker too. It was . . . a complicated subject, but she was trying her best. "But I think that may say more about who you choose to be than you realize, as well."

From:

trigons_child

"I am told I am a hero in another world," Raven said, thinking of Kon. "I would very much like to be like that Raven, and make my friends proud of me."

She'd wanted that before she even knew she was the sin of Pride, so she didn't think it was solely for that reason. She hoped.

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