Room 529, Tuesday Midday

[weetuskenraider]

Well, she'd gotten her lightsaber back, at least; disconcerting as it was that the piles of zombie bodies had just disappeared from the school grounds she wasn't complaining about not having to pick through reeking piles of goo and rotted flesh to find it.

Tahiri sort of lost track of how time passed between here and home, and didn't really try to keep track of it that much anyway, aside from what was strictly necessary to keep up with how the war was going. It was more timeline confusion than she really needed. So she hadn't realized what today was, not until she checked her messages and found several birthday greetings There was a hyper one from Tekli that made her smile (nothing about a one-meter tall, fuzzy brown Chadra-Fan on an apparent sugar high wasn't funny), and more subdued ones from Sannah, Valin, Kam, and Tionne that got about the same reaction. The message from Han and Leia, though, nice as it might have been (and it really was, considering how worn down they looked and that they'd still taken the time to send it), was a little more bittersweet.

She sent back some cursory replies, thanking them and sort of glossing over the fact that the last week and change had been less than fantastic. Force knew they all had bigger things to worry about anyway.

Huh. She was sixteen now. She felt a lot older than that sometimes, she mused as she sat on her bed, staring out the window with her datapad dangling from one hand. And maybe, if some things worked out, this year might end up stacking up better than the last couple had.

Considering this was the first birthday she'd had since Anakin died, it was a little surprising that she was thinking that. But Tahiri wasn't sure that was a bad thing.

[OOC: Door's open a tad, post is all the way open! Subject to SP until late afternoon, but open anyway. She's not emo, I swear. ETA: OMFG BURGER KING KTHX.]

Comments

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri nodded. "I don't just drive people crazy all the time any more. I don't get sent off like a little kid. And . . ." She took a deep breath. "I'm getting better, you know?"

[momslilassassin]

"I know," Ben said softly. He also knew he wasn't making that easy on her. "Need to talk about the Yuuzhan Vong battle cry?"

Because that was some happy birthday conversation.

[weetuskenraider]

"You know," Tahiri remarked with a slight quirk of her lips, "you could pick a better time to talk about that."

Because she was so good at picking appropriate conversation settings.

". . . it was an exhausting weekend."

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded. "Next time I'll pick the clinic hallway," he said, trying to keep the edge out of his voice.

[weetuskenraider]

Ouch.

Tahiri winced at that, and looked down at her blankets.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it any more," she said in barely more than a whisper.

[momslilassassin]

"That why you went to Ender, too?" he asked.

Yes, Ben. Pick a fight on her birthday. Nice.

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri swore a nice trilingual blue streak in her head before she replied. She was trying, but she could't keep the frustration out of her voice.

"You weren't in any condition to tell me more, Ben, and I wasn't going to push. But I can't take the way you keep flinching around me, like you're afraid of me, when you told me once you never would be. I get enough of that from people at home when they look at my --" She gestured toward her forehead, annoyed to find she was blinking back tears. "And I get enough of being pushed away by Jaina. I thought you and I were closer than that by now."

There was more she could have said, but it was getting hard to talk around the tightness in her throat.

[momslilassassin]

And even with his walls up as high as they were these days, he couldn't stop his empathy. He hurt when she hurt, especially when it was his fault.

He rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand to hide the tears. "I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing that wouldn't be enough. "I'm trying."

[weetuskenraider]

No, it wasn't enough, but at least he hadn't run away yet.

"Yeah," Tahiri said dully, sniffling. "I know. I just . . . I'm trying to be patient, I really am, but I miss you."

[momslilassassin]

"I miss me, too," Ben said. "I don't like being this out of my depth. But this trip...it made the one back in December look easy."

That one had included torture too.

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri hadn't forgotten that detail, no. Remembering that, and factoring in the suspicions that her conversation with Ender had reinforced, hit her with a sudden wave of horror so hard she visibly went pale. It took a lot of effort to stay in control of herself right then, and not let Riina sneak out.

"I wish -- I don't know what else I can do to help you right now. I hate not being able to help, and seeing you like this hurts."

[momslilassassin]

Ben immediately noticed when she went pale and was hoping rather desperately she hadn't made the connection.

"Hurting you is the last thing I want to do," he said softly. It was why he was keeping most of the trip to himself, really.

[weetuskenraider]

"I could say the same thing to you," Tahiri answered quietly, not daring to look up at him; if he flinched away from her right now she didn't think she could deal.

[momslilassassin]

He didn't, but it had taken no small amount of willpower to do that. "I don't want to ruin your birthday," he murmured.

[weetuskenraider]

Yeah, a little late for that, Ben.

"You're here," Tahiri offered instead, even if he was well out of reach. "I wasn't sure if you'd stop by."

Anakin's vision started to come to mind again, and she resolutely locked it down.

[momslilassassin]

"You needed a stuffed bantha," he said with a very tiny smile.

[weetuskenraider]

"I did," Tahiri replied, even though that wasn't what she really wanted to say she needed. She kept focusing on said stuffed bantha, running her fingers through its fur. "The delivery service was an extra nice touch."

[momslilassassin]

"I still wanted to see you," Ben said quietly. Even if he couldn't let her touch him yet. Ben's head was a confusing place to be.

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri's head wasn't exactly a playground either. It was just a whole different kind of mess, and even she had no idea how much of one it was.

"I'm glad you did." She swallowed hard. "I don't want you to be scared of me."

[momslilassassin]

He scooted a hair closer. "I know," he said. It was kind of killing him that he couldn't hide that from her. "You're my Tahiri," he added softly. The other one just haunted his nightmares.

[weetuskenraider]

She was actually kind of observant, sometimes. Even if her social skills left something to be desired.

"Am I, still?" she asked, looking up at him now.

[momslilassassin]

The color drained from his face. "You don't want to be?"

Not that he could blame her if that was the case. He was a disaster.

[weetuskenraider]

"You big gundark." Even if she'd meant any insult at all by it, which she hadn't, Tahiri was too drained now for it to have seeped into the words. "I never said that. I like being your Tahiri."

[momslilassassin]

He remembered to breathe again and shifted a teeny bit closer.

"Okay," he said. "Okay. Good."

He carefully lowed his shielding a bit, letting Tahiri feel the swirl of confusion and fear and relief that he was going through. He felt more than a little exposed, but felt even more strongly that he owed her at least this much.

[weetuskenraider]

Well, how was that for a birthday present? Tahiri suddenly had an idea of what it must have been like for Anakin the first time she'd let him touch her in the Force after her shaping, but that had nothing to do with how much she wanted to cry again, feeling all of that from Ben.

In response she reached out tentatively with all the reassurance she could give him, hoping it would do some good.