A Quiet Part of the Beach, Sunday Late Morning

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri still made a habit of coming out to the beach on a fairly regular basis -- not out of necessity like it had been, but because it was familiar, and just felt right. The symbolism of it, the calming sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean -- it was a good place for her to meditate.

She picked her way down to her usual quiet cove and settled onto the rock (it hadn't really started to acquire a bit of a sheen from her perching on it, but it sometimes amused her to think so) with her eyes closed. She wasn't meditating yet, just enjoying the moment.

That was pretty profound in and of itself; the novelty of simply being able to do that hadn't worn off yet.

[OOC: Expecting one, but open if you happen to wander this way. Caveat for SP as I'mma be traaaaaaaaaveling later today, woe. Details of conversation with Ender NFB, please.]

Comments

[endsthegame]

The beach was a haven for Ender, too, and one he'd spent an inordinate amount of time on as of late. It wasn't that he was avoiding Ben, or his room; it was more that he had a lot of thoughts, and he needed some privacy to deal with them without being asked.

Thoughts of solitude went out the window when he saw the blonde shape up ahead, though.

He pursed his lips, gave it a moment's thought, and decided it was time to finally follow through on a promise.

"Tahiri?"

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri opened her eyes and turned to look at him, the surprised look on her face fading into a smile.

"Hi, Ender. I'd say I didn't expect to find you out here, but that would be . . . inaccurate."

[endsthegame]

"I try to pretend to be as predictable as I can," Ender cracked, smiling back. "It makes it easier for me to hide my evil plans from prying eyes."

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri huffed in amusement and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Effective technique, that. I'd ask you about your evil plans but that might defeat the purpose of the hiding them."

[endsthegame]

"I'm thankful for your understanding and discretion," Ender assured her.

He glanced at the sand, a short but respectful distance away, and made his way there. Sat down. "So I promised Ben I'd talk to you about something, months ago."

[weetuskenraider]

Her eyebrows shot up toward her hairline, and even though she didn't say it the phrase Should I have a bad feeling about this? came to mind. Jokingly, for the most part, but . . .

"Months ago? I wasn't going to bite, you know," she tried to tease. "Although I'll grant you I might not have been awfully approachable for quite a while there."

Yes, let's understate things grossly, Tahiri.

[endsthegame]

"It's nothing you did," Ender said, with a wry smile. "I've just been stuck in my own head."

He glanced over, towards the sea. "It's about Jacen," he said, bluntly, "Although I have to admit I'm a little curious about you, too."

[weetuskenraider]

"Stuck in your own head, yes, I know the feeling," she began, but when he went on she couldn't help a grimace.

". . . ah." Tahiri dropped her own gaze to her hands. "That could be a really loaded topic." Even sticking to her own timeline, and not factoring possible futures into it. She could have been cagey about it -- she certainly had the mentality now -- but on this subject that seemed like about the worst idea ever.

"What exactly did you want to know?"

[endsthegame]

"I'm trying to figure out who he was," Ender explained. "For Ben's sake."

He leaned backwards in the sand, on his elbows. "I'm not here to judge about anything," he added. "If that's what you're afraid of. I'm the last one who should be allowed to."

[weetuskenraider]

"I believe you," she said quickly, not lying about that. "It's a bit of a touchy subject, that's all."

She swung her legs over the side of the rock and began to trace random patterns in the sand with her toes -- concentric swirls, mostly, but the occasional squiggly line. This kept up for a minute or two while she tried to put her thoughts together and, finally, spoke up a little more slowly than usual.

"The Jacen I know isn't a bad man . . . not yet, anyhow. But he was always someone who was more inclined to thinking than to action -- he and Anakin got into the longest, most maddening arguments over the nature of the Force, and their role in it. He never stopped being that, even after the Yuuzhan Vong tried to -- after they broke him."

[endsthegame]

'After they broke him' was probably a focal point in Jacen's life, some determining factor, but Ender dismissed it for the moment. "What was Jacen's take on the Force?" he asked, keeping his voice calm, patient.

[weetuskenraider]

"I wasn't around for too many of those arguments, and I never really asked Anakin for details," Tahiri admitted, "so I couldn't give you a detailed treatise. I know that he believed that being a Jedi should be a matter of personal connection to the Force. Anakin believed it was our role to actively serve as peacekeepers, and Jacen butted heads with him pretty fiercely on that. He didn't think it was our role to act like the galactic police."

Ironic, that, in light of future developments.

"He stopped using the Force at all for a while, just so he wouldn't make the mistake of using it wrong." The look on Tahiri's face suggested she still didn't understand the logic there. "After he came back from captivity, he second-guessed himself a lot less, but he was different."

[endsthegame]

Ender digested it. Slowly, and carefully, weighing every word in his head. "When did you first meet him?" he asked, finally. "What was he like then?"

He tapped his fingers against his knee, and considered the expression on Tahiri's face just as carefully.

[weetuskenraider]

"Force, years ago. Seven, almost eight," Tahiri said, suddenly struck by how long ago those years seemed, even though mathematically it hadn't been that long. Her smile was a little rueful, as if thinking about this only drew a sharper contrast between the Jacen she'd known and the one Ben had described.

"He and Jaina didn't attend classes at the same time as Anakin and I did, not when we were younger anyway, but I met him a few times back then. He used to love animals, I remember that much -- his room at the Academy was full of cages and terrariums. About the way Ben collects mechanical parts. Jaina was always more proactive out of the two of them. I guess you could say he was the sensitive one."

Well, it certainly hadn't been Jaina, that was for certain.

[endsthegame]

Ender's mouth quirked with a little smile. It was a vastly different picture from the villainous, unsalvageable Jacen that Ben had painted in his head. And that was a good thing; he needed that.

He already knew how Jacen's life ended, but that didn't define anyone. Not the niggling corners of their soul, anyway.

"Did you like him?"

[weetuskenraider]

"I did, yes," Tahiri answered, and she didn't need to think about that. "I suppose, as of now, I still do. Back then, at the Academy, before the war started, it was awfully hard not to like him. He was thoughtful, and always kind to everyone, and always making the most awful jokes ever, and it was just . . ."

Still hard to figure out exactly how he'd gone from that to what he would become. She had a few ideas, but the contrast was so stark it made her lose the heart to try.

"He was comfortable to be around. It isn't any wonder at all that he would be the one to get Ben to come out of his shell."

[endsthegame]

The slight quirk became a smile for all of a nanosecond; that one was Ben's stupid fault.

"Charismatic," he filled in, quietly. "And serious. But you said he changed."

He had... a lot of questions. They could sketch the broad lines now.

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri nodded. "I know what they did to him, after Myrkr. When we all thought he was dead. He told me all about it, what they did to break him. And you can't --"

She took a breath. "You can't go through something like that and come out the same. Not ever, not as much as you wish or think you could. When you're too broken to put yourself back together, you're at the mercy of whoever decides to rearrange the pieces for you. I should know."

"Don't misunderstand," she went on quickly, "he's still a lot of those things. Still kind, but . . . secretive. There are things I can tell he's hiding. When you're prone to thinking too much, and you have nothing but pain to think about for a long, long time, I just doubt it's possible to see the galaxy the same way as before."

[endsthegame]

When you're too broken to put yourself back together might have gained some look of understanding on Ender's face. He debated whether to share something of his own experiences, but shunted the thought aside. For now.

"You start to see pain everywhere," he guessed, and kept his voice carefully neutral.

[weetuskenraider]

"And being indoctrinated with Yuuzhan Vong beliefs doesn't help with that," Tahiri confirmed; if she noticed the look on his face she wasn't asking, at least not yet. "Not when pain is an integral part of life for them."

[endsthegame]

"Do you think the Yuuzhan Vong beliefs caught a foothold with Jacen?"

[weetuskenraider]

"He survived the Embrace of Pain," Tahiri said simply. "There's only one way to do that."

[endsthegame]

Ender rubbed at his ankle. "Didn't Ben also have a run-in with that?" It was a quick... stray step off the path, but it was necessary. Somehow.

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri's jaw tensed, and she nodded briefly. "Yes. Not for nearly as long, but the fact that Jacen planned to use it to turn him only makes me sure that it did something to him."

She couldn't say it hadn't changed her, either, and right about now she was glad she didn't have Jacen's inclination toward navel-gazing.

[endsthegame]

It got a slow nod from Ender. He could see some of the anger in her features - or another, more potent mix of emotions.

"But then, I've heard that story," he said, watching her thoughtfully. "Did you interact much during the Yuuzhan Vong invasion?"

[weetuskenraider]

"Not for the first few years." A little of the tension seeped out of Tahiri's expression -- not much, but this was slightly more clinical than talking about things Jacen had done that defied her ability to stay impassive about them. "I was still at the Academy for the first half of it. It wasn't until the Myrkr mission that we really spent a lot of time together . . . and then after that, at the Ebaq 9 campaign, was when he started searching me out actively."

It was clear that she wasn't thrilled about that.

[endsthegame]

Ender raised his eyebrows. "Not a big fan?" he guessed.

[weetuskenraider]

"Knowing what I do about certain other versions of me, you couldn't blame me for not wanting to jump for joy about him wanting to teach me something that, supposedly, only the two of us were capable of, could you?" Her voice wasn't dry exactly, but it was somewhat devoid of humor.

Realizing how harsh that sounded, Tahiri offered a halfhearted shrug. "He isn't Ben's Jacen. Not yet, at least. But he isn't exactly the Jacen I grew up knowing any more, either. I suppose the war was going to make that inevitable one way or another."

[endsthegame]

"He's in the middle of a change," Ender agreed, and smiled. It was a little whimsical. "I think Ben is trying to figure out what happened - in his own, blockheaded way, where he's pretending he doesn't care."

[weetuskenraider]

"That sounds like him," Tahiri said, her brow furrowing in affectionate resignation. "I wish I had a more definite answer, but right now that's the best I can do."

She glanced out toward the waves and dug her toes into the sand, then looked back at Ender. "I wish I could point to an exact moment where everything took that one turn if it's happened yet, or guess at when exactly it will, but I'm afraid there are Jedi far more skilled than I who couldn't pinpoint it either."

She couldn't help wondering, too, how things might have changed if Anakin had survived . . . but the thought was brief, and she could actually file it away without lingering over it. "It would be easier for him if we could just draw a line somewhere, and say 'this is when it all went wrong.' I wish it was that easy."

[endsthegame]

"Ben is looking for a definite answer," Ender said, glancing at her expression. "I'm more interested in who he was."

He leaned back. "I think everyone is more than the sum of their deeds, good and bad," he said. "Jacen Solo did a lot of terrible things, but his fall wouldn't have been such a betrayal if he hadn't done a lot of good things, too. I'm not interested in easy answers about when he turned around and became some terrible monster lurking around in the dark. I just want to know how he ticked. It might be the one way I can help Ben come to terms with everything that's happened."

[weetuskenraider]

"I understand." Tahiri brightened a little bit. "That, I can help you with, at least as far as the point I know him goes. And I think your perspective is worth more there than anyone from our galaxy's could be; we're all awfully invested in looking at it on Jedi terms."

[endsthegame]

"Don't I know it," Ender said, wryly.

He'd had a few arguments with Ben about his bouts of absolutist morality, yes.

[weetuskenraider]

"I'm going to guess," Tahiri said after a sudden brief burst of laughter, "you've knocked heads with a certain stubborn Skywalker over this more times than anyone cares to count."

[endsthegame]

"I'm sure he's got a few choice words to say about me on the topic, yes." That wry grin wasn't going anywhere. "He's got a very dense head."

[weetuskenraider]

"How have you not whacked it with a spanner yet?" Tahiri had to ask.

Why, yes, the notion had occurred to her more than once.

[endsthegame]

"Patience," Ender deadpanned, "A lot of experience, a firm grasp of rhetoric, and a long history of being accused of the same."

[weetuskenraider]

"If any one of those was missing from the list," Tahiri deadpanned right back, "the spanner would've gotten it by now."

Then, more seriously, "Was there anything more specific you wanted to know?"

Of all things, it was the memory of a piece of flimsi she'd found in her quarters one night with a note in Jacen's handwriting promising she'd always be family that had just come to mind.

[endsthegame]

Ender shrugged his shoulders lightly. "You said you were... awkward about his presence in your life because of everything you knew from Ben," he said, "But what were you two like before all of that happened?"

[weetuskenraider]

If she thought of it strictly in those terms, it wsan't a hard answer to phrase.

"We were friends," Tahiri answered with a slight nod. "Not terribly close, and only the last couple of years, but yes. In fact, I wouldn't go so far as to say he isn't one, now. Just one I watch a little more carefully."

She thought of the note again, and smiled wryly. "Family doesn't always have to be close, necessarily, but you could call it that too."

[endsthegame]

It made Ender think, fleetingly, of Other Tahiri, and Ben's loud disapproval of her recent choices. For some reason.

"I take it you've spent a lot of time hanging with the Skywalker-Solo tribe," he said.

[weetuskenraider]

Well, it would be a pretty easy step to make from one to the other, thought-wise.

"It's funny, how that tends to happen when your best friend was one of them," Tahiri replied -- nice how she could say it lightly, now. "After Anakin died they sort of took an extra interest in me. I don't think I could get away from them now if I tried."

Not, mind, that she objected.

[endsthegame]

"So they adopted you, in a manner of speaking," Ender concluded. "Did Jacen try to help you after Anakin's death?"