A Quiet Part of the Beach, Sunday Late Morning

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri still made a habit of coming out to the beach on a fairly regular basis -- not out of necessity like it had been, but because it was familiar, and just felt right. The symbolism of it, the calming sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean -- it was a good place for her to meditate.

She picked her way down to her usual quiet cove and settled onto the rock (it hadn't really started to acquire a bit of a sheen from her perching on it, but it sometimes amused her to think so) with her eyes closed. She wasn't meditating yet, just enjoying the moment.

That was pretty profound in and of itself; the novelty of simply being able to do that hadn't worn off yet.

[OOC: Expecting one, but open if you happen to wander this way. Caveat for SP as I'mma be traaaaaaaaaveling later today, woe. Details of conversation with Ender NFB, please.]

Comments

[endsthegame]

When you're too broken to put yourself back together might have gained some look of understanding on Ender's face. He debated whether to share something of his own experiences, but shunted the thought aside. For now.

"You start to see pain everywhere," he guessed, and kept his voice carefully neutral.

[weetuskenraider]

"And being indoctrinated with Yuuzhan Vong beliefs doesn't help with that," Tahiri confirmed; if she noticed the look on his face she wasn't asking, at least not yet. "Not when pain is an integral part of life for them."

[endsthegame]

"Do you think the Yuuzhan Vong beliefs caught a foothold with Jacen?"

[weetuskenraider]

"He survived the Embrace of Pain," Tahiri said simply. "There's only one way to do that."

[endsthegame]

Ender rubbed at his ankle. "Didn't Ben also have a run-in with that?" It was a quick... stray step off the path, but it was necessary. Somehow.

[weetuskenraider]

Tahiri's jaw tensed, and she nodded briefly. "Yes. Not for nearly as long, but the fact that Jacen planned to use it to turn him only makes me sure that it did something to him."

She couldn't say it hadn't changed her, either, and right about now she was glad she didn't have Jacen's inclination toward navel-gazing.

[endsthegame]

It got a slow nod from Ender. He could see some of the anger in her features - or another, more potent mix of emotions.

"But then, I've heard that story," he said, watching her thoughtfully. "Did you interact much during the Yuuzhan Vong invasion?"

[weetuskenraider]

"Not for the first few years." A little of the tension seeped out of Tahiri's expression -- not much, but this was slightly more clinical than talking about things Jacen had done that defied her ability to stay impassive about them. "I was still at the Academy for the first half of it. It wasn't until the Myrkr mission that we really spent a lot of time together . . . and then after that, at the Ebaq 9 campaign, was when he started searching me out actively."

It was clear that she wasn't thrilled about that.

[endsthegame]

Ender raised his eyebrows. "Not a big fan?" he guessed.

[weetuskenraider]

"Knowing what I do about certain other versions of me, you couldn't blame me for not wanting to jump for joy about him wanting to teach me something that, supposedly, only the two of us were capable of, could you?" Her voice wasn't dry exactly, but it was somewhat devoid of humor.

Realizing how harsh that sounded, Tahiri offered a halfhearted shrug. "He isn't Ben's Jacen. Not yet, at least. But he isn't exactly the Jacen I grew up knowing any more, either. I suppose the war was going to make that inevitable one way or another."

[endsthegame]

"He's in the middle of a change," Ender agreed, and smiled. It was a little whimsical. "I think Ben is trying to figure out what happened - in his own, blockheaded way, where he's pretending he doesn't care."

[weetuskenraider]

"That sounds like him," Tahiri said, her brow furrowing in affectionate resignation. "I wish I had a more definite answer, but right now that's the best I can do."

She glanced out toward the waves and dug her toes into the sand, then looked back at Ender. "I wish I could point to an exact moment where everything took that one turn if it's happened yet, or guess at when exactly it will, but I'm afraid there are Jedi far more skilled than I who couldn't pinpoint it either."

She couldn't help wondering, too, how things might have changed if Anakin had survived . . . but the thought was brief, and she could actually file it away without lingering over it. "It would be easier for him if we could just draw a line somewhere, and say 'this is when it all went wrong.' I wish it was that easy."

[endsthegame]

"Ben is looking for a definite answer," Ender said, glancing at her expression. "I'm more interested in who he was."

He leaned back. "I think everyone is more than the sum of their deeds, good and bad," he said. "Jacen Solo did a lot of terrible things, but his fall wouldn't have been such a betrayal if he hadn't done a lot of good things, too. I'm not interested in easy answers about when he turned around and became some terrible monster lurking around in the dark. I just want to know how he ticked. It might be the one way I can help Ben come to terms with everything that's happened."

[weetuskenraider]

"I understand." Tahiri brightened a little bit. "That, I can help you with, at least as far as the point I know him goes. And I think your perspective is worth more there than anyone from our galaxy's could be; we're all awfully invested in looking at it on Jedi terms."

[endsthegame]

"Don't I know it," Ender said, wryly.

He'd had a few arguments with Ben about his bouts of absolutist morality, yes.

[weetuskenraider]

"I'm going to guess," Tahiri said after a sudden brief burst of laughter, "you've knocked heads with a certain stubborn Skywalker over this more times than anyone cares to count."

[endsthegame]

"I'm sure he's got a few choice words to say about me on the topic, yes." That wry grin wasn't going anywhere. "He's got a very dense head."

[weetuskenraider]

"How have you not whacked it with a spanner yet?" Tahiri had to ask.

Why, yes, the notion had occurred to her more than once.

[endsthegame]

"Patience," Ender deadpanned, "A lot of experience, a firm grasp of rhetoric, and a long history of being accused of the same."

[weetuskenraider]

"If any one of those was missing from the list," Tahiri deadpanned right back, "the spanner would've gotten it by now."

Then, more seriously, "Was there anything more specific you wanted to know?"

Of all things, it was the memory of a piece of flimsi she'd found in her quarters one night with a note in Jacen's handwriting promising she'd always be family that had just come to mind.

[endsthegame]

Ender shrugged his shoulders lightly. "You said you were... awkward about his presence in your life because of everything you knew from Ben," he said, "But what were you two like before all of that happened?"

[weetuskenraider]

If she thought of it strictly in those terms, it wsan't a hard answer to phrase.

"We were friends," Tahiri answered with a slight nod. "Not terribly close, and only the last couple of years, but yes. In fact, I wouldn't go so far as to say he isn't one, now. Just one I watch a little more carefully."

She thought of the note again, and smiled wryly. "Family doesn't always have to be close, necessarily, but you could call it that too."

[endsthegame]

It made Ender think, fleetingly, of Other Tahiri, and Ben's loud disapproval of her recent choices. For some reason.

"I take it you've spent a lot of time hanging with the Skywalker-Solo tribe," he said.

[weetuskenraider]

Well, it would be a pretty easy step to make from one to the other, thought-wise.

"It's funny, how that tends to happen when your best friend was one of them," Tahiri replied -- nice how she could say it lightly, now. "After Anakin died they sort of took an extra interest in me. I don't think I could get away from them now if I tried."

Not, mind, that she objected.

[endsthegame]

"So they adopted you, in a manner of speaking," Ender concluded. "Did Jacen try to help you after Anakin's death?"